Sam’s guide to money

This is a guide for managing money. If you don’t have money, don’t despair! Put this guide down and find a way to get some money.  If you do have money, you’re in the right place!  This simple guide will help you to get the most out of your legitimately earned cash.

In the distant past, the ancient philosopher Benjamin Franklin discovered a secret that has helped people with money to make good use of it ever since.  Sitting beneath a fig tree, Benjamin Franklin had an amazing enlightenment.  “My word, a penny saved is a penny earned!” he shouted, startling a flock of bald eagles and marking the tree as a holy site thenceforth.

At that time, Benjamin Franklin’s teachings were only theoretical. As it was difficult to calculate the precise amount of money that one was saving at any given time, one could not empirically validate his claims until much later.  Now, however, the technology for measuring saved money is so common that many stores will provide it to you as a free service with your purchase!

If you are shopping at one of these stores, you can learn how much money you have saved by simply looking at your receipt.  Consider that one penny saved is equal to one penny earned, and a quick rule of thumb you can use is to convert the dollar amount you saved into pennies, then with the 1 to 1 ratio calculate how much you’ve earned and finally convert pennies back into dollars! The larger this number is, the more money you have earned!

As most receipts can tell you, simply shopping at any store is often enough to earn money.  However, to get the best return on money earned to money spent, one should seek sales.  As many of you probably know, tomorrow is the fourth of July.  In America, this is a holiday during which we celebrate our own nation’s Brexit from Europe.  We refer to this day as “The Fourth of July,” and in celebration we launch great artistic works of fire into the air in states where it is permitted by law, and launch great sales to customers in all states.  Benjamin Franklin’s wisdom is not lost on Americans, and so you will find many people driving to earn as much money as they can on the 4th of July by saving as much money as they can by making as many steeply discounted purchases as they can. The best shoppers are not distracted by the notion of whether something is useful in their lives. The reduction in price is all that matters when earning by saving.

Keep your eyes open in the stores on July 4. If you pay close attention, you will notice that the people who buy the most deals are the wealthiest, thereby proving Benjamin Franklin’s ancient wisdom correct.  You will know they are the wealthiest because they are the ones with the money to buy the most deals.  This bears out the old American saying by the Roman philosopher Plautus, “Ya gotta spend money to make money.” Armed with your new knowledge tomorrow, it’s time to get out there and celebrate our country by getting filthy stinking rich.  When you’re rolling in your piles of $100 bills in your beachside mansion, take a moment to look at the picture.  Do you recognize that man?  It is good to give your respects. A simple “Thanks, Ben,” will do.