Three Thirty Eight at Lakeside Inn

Photo by Jill Burrow on

Welcome to the Lakeside Inn. We’re thrilled that you have chosen to spend a weekend with us. Some simple rules for your safety. Do not swim in the lake. It is a motorboat lake and the motorists like to drink. We recommend an overabundance of caution. Be sure to lock the doors at night. This is only a precaution as this is a very safe area, but we are not responsible for conventional or paranormal break-ins. Finally, every day at precisely three thirty-eight, we strongly recommend that you leave the house until three thirty-nine. In the event that you cannot leave the house at this moment, don’t let the shadows touch any people or objects important to you.

Here at the Lakeside Inn, we take personal property very seriously, and we want you to be confident that you will leave with just as many personal possessions, pets, children etc. as you came with. That is why we provide a set of twelve (12) high-energy LED lamps for you to shine on these people and things at three thirty-eight in the afternoon. This has proven to be an effective method to prevent these items from vanishing into the formless void.

When arranging your loved things and ones in the light of the lamp, be sure that no part of them will become shrouded in the many shadows that fill the Lakeside Inn. If you fail to completely shield yourself or someone or something from darkness, you may find it pulled out away from the light. Once it is more than three quarters covered in darkness, your book, friend, cat, daughter etc. will disappear into an infernal nether dimension. 

In such an event, fortunately, an object, animal, or person tugged may be grasped by you or another member of your family and held in the light. This grip must be maintained for the entirety of the minute of three thirty-eight, after which point your possession and/or dear one will be safe for another twenty three hours and fifty-nine minutes.

In short, to stay safe from supernatural thieves/kidnappers, please remember the three Ls – Leave, Light, and Hang on for Dear Life. 

Leave the house at three thirty-eight

Light yourself and your loved ones/things

Failing that, hang on for dear Life.

The wi-fi password is written on the bottom of the router in the study.

You can find a list of local restaurants on the table in the foyer.

Checkout time is 11:00 AM.

Please enjoy your stay at the Lakeside Inn. We hope that instead of being sucked into an unknowable realm of torment to spend your eternity, you will leave well-rested and relaxed, ready to return to your daily life.   

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